My Poetry

Unrest

It’s the promise of hope that’s most terrifying
It’s the questions it brings that causes unrest
The strongest men kneel when their lives are so broken
The weakest men fight as a part of the quest
To live and be something, to do more than breathe
To understand truth and in that truth be free

It’s the waters that rise without seeming to stop
It’s the awfulness left in the wake
The tragedy isn’t so much in the flood
But what it decided to take
Mothers and fathers, houses and dreams
A city too broken and tired to speak

The world, we are groaning
We stammer our prayers
We reach in the darkness
We crawl in despair
We’re searching for saviors
We’re searching for depth
We’re searching for love
Though it scares us to death

It’s the bullets and bombs that make up the news
It’s the lives they have ended we see
A flag waves, a face appears rigid and brave
These images crowd our TVs
It’s the soldiers who fight, though they don’t know the cause
It’s the blood they have spilled that should force us to pause

The world, we are groaning
We stammer our prayers
We reach in the darkness
We crawl in despair
We’re searching for saviors
We’re searching for depth
We’re searching for love
Though it scares us to death

It’s the One who was sent here, who willingly came
It’s Him whose ears hear all the screams
Of His Bride, who is drowning, she’s waving her arms
She’s waiting for someone to end the routine
Of death and of loss, of hurt and of fear
To vanquish the monsters when they reappear

The world, we are groaning
We stammer our prayers
We reach in the darkness
We crawl in despair
We’re searching for Saviors
We’re searching for depth
We want to know love
Though it scares us to death

 

Just This

 

It’s the moments I’ve missed that wound me the most
The wonder of what might have been
The absence of fingers slipped through my own
The fear that has kept me trapped in
It’s the courage I’ve asked for but haven’t embraced
That haunts me more than most else
The questions have come but the answers have not
And I end up blaming myself

I fear that I’ll give up before the reveal
I pray but your spirit seems so less than real
I hope for a change that will help us to heal
But until, there’s just this silence

It’s the secrets I’ve kept that I fear will tempt grace
To start demanding a payment
But the coins of the poor are worth just as much
As the coins of the sinners and saints
It’s the shattered pieces I’ve tried to repair
The debris I have tried hard to hide
That stand out the most, that show I can’t fix
That I can’t change death into life

I feel far too prideful to come and just kneel
I’d ask, but your answers don’t fit my ideal
I’d try, but all trying has lost its appeal
So until, there’s just this silence

For What Has Been Lost

There is a silence between us
A chasm of doubt and of fear
Words echo, no meaning, just sounds down the hall
Dancing around ‘til they find my ear
And when they do, they go on through
Never settling home
Their meaning is lost, their meaning is dead
But their force is the weight of a stone

I pray that our hearts will again know a beat
Our lungs, just a breath or two more
I pray that the fight will not end tonight
I pray that there’s hope in this war

There is an ocean between us
Something so vast and unknown
Its depth reaching down to places unseen
Places that we just can’t go
The waves, they come quick with the offer to wash
To baptize us new in the saltwater mix
To cleanse away old and in place, give us new
But new things cannot always fix

I pray that our feet will again know a mile
Our arms, an embrace or two more
I pray that the fight will not end tonight
I pray that there’s hope in this war

There is a struggle between us
A love still so twisted, so frail
But love has a way of rising back up
When even the best of us fail
And it’s easy to say that we can survive
It’s easy to promise but so hard to trust
But there is a voice that keeps calling us home
A voice, which claims He is enough

I pray that our hands will again know a touch
Our mouths, just a grin or two more
I pray that the fight will not end tonight

I pray that there’s hope in this war

 

Plastic

 

Barbie dolls scattered all over the floor
A perfect life we made for our little plastic friends
The car, the house, the boat, all of her designer clothes
And the perfect boyfriend we called Ken

She had her friends who never left her side
A body some girls starve themselves to get
It wasn?t possible for her to ever lose that smile
Or know a single second of regret

Everything inside her world was perfect
Everything was how we hoped it?d be
Nothing happened that we didn?t plan
Nothing came her way she didn?t need

Barbie dolls scattered all over the floor
Everything in its proper place
Though some might be tempted to envy this life
Plastic can never know grace

Beige Paper

 

You shift in your seat
He gets up for coffee
She tries just to sleep
You plan an apology
They snicker so soft
You just wonder how
A new family enters
A few go sit down

The intercom speaks
It makes her jump
He returns with his coffee
Weak in its cup
You glance around
And lean your head back
They rise from their seats
To grab a quick snack

And you scream at your God
Though your mouth just stays silent
You yell and you fight
Without leaving your seat
You kick and you punch
Demanding an answer
Hoping and praying
You’ll get what you need

He tosses away
His Styrofoam cup
She tugs at the blanket
And slowly pulls up
They return to their seats
And quietly complain
That the vending machine
Took all their change

And you just stare
As you study the wall
The ugly beige paper
That lines every hall
Your chair just gets smaller
Your heart just gets tired
Just thinking about
This day that transpired

And you scream at your God
Though your mouth just stays silent
You yell and you fight
Without leaving your seat
You kick and you punch
Demanding an answer
Hoping and praying
You’ll get what you need

You’ve learned in your life
That hope isn’t easy
When everything’s shaky
And stands in its way
But you’re trying so hard
To trust in the promise
That though it’s dark now
There are always new days

You look at your watch
These hours seem longer
Than they’ve ever felt
When you were much stronger
As you rise to go stretch
The doctor walks in
You wait for the words
Or a smile on his lips

You wait for the words
Or a smile on his lips…

 

Hostage

 

Time has taken you hostage
Shackled with seconds and bounded with days
Locked behind bars of deadlines
You meet every one as a way to stay safe
Your sentence depends on your briefcase
Somedays it’s shorter, and somedays it’s long
You don’t care who you abandon
As long as you focus and get the work done

Memories have taken you hostage
You’ll do anything to keep that home built
The home with the graves of your secrets
You bury the ugly, yet still carry guilt
You act as though you’re so scared
With a gun held close to your head
And if you don’t carry your wounds anymore
The gun will go off and all life will be dead

Love has taken you hostage
His power acts as tape on your mouth
You’d like to speak up but you fear the results
So you sit still and just wait it out
He screams then begs for forgiveness
He punches then calls out your name
It’s never your fault, but it’s always your fault
But he promises you he will change

We start with the best of intentions
We start with our plans all laid out
We map out the course and we build up the dream
Without ever having a doubt
But sometimes the best of us break
Sometimes things just fall apart
And we are too foolish to notice
When we destroy our own hearts

Life has taken us hostage
Success holds us down with such strength
Fame always makes us work harder
Praise is the one thing we need
Hope slips out of our fingers
And we are too numb to see
That the lives we’re trying so hard to create
Are the lives that are making us bleed

 

He Headed East

 

I watched him drive away
A day past my birthday
I was ten, he headed east
And never once glanced back
And every day I would watch
And wait to hear the sound
Of the wheels turning it
And finally slowing down

I watched him shave and I would take
A razor that did not exist
I’d lather up with simple air
And follow with his wrist
When he got done, he’d splash his face
And dry it with a towel
Which I’d pick up and wipe off with
When he put it down

And I would sit up on the bed
As he would choose his clothes
The shirt, the tie, the pants, the shoes
A pocket-watch, cologne
He took such care, was always sure
The outside looked just fine
As a way to cover up the seams
Of things destroyed inside

But I was young and never saw
The coward underneath
The newly dry-cleaned suits
And the falsely labeled strength
The only thing I saw in him
Was a hero’s face
A man of steel, a man of worth
Who always solved the case

But little boys cannot see
A monster living underneath
A creature waiting in the wings
To come, to hurt, to leave…

The day he left, after the fight
He made my mother cry
He broke my sister’s heart in two
With lousy alibies
But still I trusted, still I stood
By the window, a child’s hope
That the one who they once so adored
Would one day come back home

I watched him drive away
A day past my birthday
I was ten, he headed east
And never once glanced back
30 years and still I watch
I sneak a peek through drapes
Hoping that the dad I loved
Will notice his mistake
 

California

 

California, here I come
I’m leaving bright and early
Hoping that miles will make this ache cease
And praying no one worries
In that car, I’ll finally feel safe
From these ghosts that come break in
They haunt me in places I’ve not allowed
They remind me of where I’ve been

California, here I come
I’ll buy some souvenirs
A t-shirt or two with the name of the state
Spelled out in big letters so that it’s clear
I’ll wear it proud, I’ll wear it well
Though a t-shirt can never express
Why I had to drive all night
To cure this loneliness

And it’s a story that we’ve all heard
We know its ending word for word
And I am just the broken girl
Who got what she always wanted

California, here I come
I’ll go to see the beach
I’ll stand real still and let the sand
Bury both my feet
And I will stare out at the blue
And marvel in its size
It goes beyond what I can see
With these sad, mortal eyes

California, here I come
I’m not sure for how long
It could be a day or two
It could be a month
I needed room to breathe and think
To go and clear my head
I say that, but it’s not true
This place is where I dread

And it’s a story that we’ve all heard
We know its ending word for word
And I am just the broken girl
Who got what she always wanted

I got the dream, I got the prince
I got the ring, the happiness
I got the dress, I got the hope
That love brings to this weary road
But no one tells you what to do
When fairy tales just fall on through
When what is real just overrides
What we cover up with lies

California, here I come
I’m hoping you can heal
All these scars that stretch so deep
Things light can’t reveal
I’m hoping that you’ll be the cure
For this unending dream
To take these monsters and destroy
All traces of their schemes

California, here I come
I’m leaving bright and early…

 

Last Resort

 

It’s here inside the quiet my mind screams
A prayer seems far too difficult to send
I sit in silence, hoping that you’ll see
A way to lead my story to an end
It’s here inside the quiet I sit still
Staring straight ahead, as if in shock
Looking only towards the thing I fight
A mounted replica of your harsh cross

In agony, you poured out crimson grace
In terror, you allowed your heart to cease
In weakness, I have no where else to turn
Oh, if I did I’d be there on my knees

To some you are the God that rules the stars
Some call you their savior, some their Lord
To me, most of the time, you are so small
Nothing else except my last resort

It’s here inside these walls of holiness
The only place I feel I might be heard
I could shout and yell out words of fear
And hope my honesty might be the cure
It’s here inside my heart I know defeat
Being pinned down to the mat each time
If I tried, I might see some success
But trying takes a faith I just can’t find

In innocence, you sucked wine from the sponge
In humbleness, you felt a mortal’s pain
In weakness, I have no where else to turn
Oh, if I did it’s there I would remain

To some you are the God that rules the stars
Some call you their savior, some their Lord
To me, most of the time, you are so small
Nothing else except my last resort

In agony, you poured out crimson grace
In terror, you allowed your heart to cease
In weakness, I have no where else to turn
Oh, if I did I’d be there on my knees

To some you are the God that rules the stars
Some call you their savior, some their Lord
To me, most of the time, you are so small
Nothing else except my last resort

 

I’d Still Bleed

You see the holes, I know, and still you fight
For me, a captive by my own desire
You see the chains I hold and in the night
You send a sign in dreams like Moses’ fire

The things which I have buried, you dig free
Examining their value, which is none
Even though they’re worthless, I’d still bleed
To keep them next to me when hunger comes

You have written ‘goodness’ on the wall
And next to it, ‘mercy’ holds its place
And while I sit in silence, glory calls
Shepherding my heart into its space

This is not the picture in my head
This is not the vision that I saw
How you made the wine and raised the dead
Seem so big, while this just looks so small

But you are bigger than my realm of sight
Bigger than the ocean, with its waves
Bigger than the forces which I fight
To simply stay alive and all okay

A reckoning of sorts is what you give
You pry my eyelids open and declare
That blindness will not have a chance to live
Inside my life, inside the moments there

And while I try to see you, you step back
Hiding behind things too big to climb
I wonder and I question but I lack
The answers I would so much like to find

Why can’t my eyes see you when you speak?
I see the footprints, see the breadcrumb trail
But it’s as if you hide yourself from me
Waiting for the moment when I’ll fail

I know that’s not the God you are yet still
I can’t control the beatings of my heart
And maybe if it’s found inside your will
You’ll rescue me before the downfall starts

All I hope in, all I seek to grasp
You hold there, in the center of all things
To the ugly, can you turn your back?
Or step into the madness and make change?

I ask so much, but giving is so far
Away from what I’ve known this love to be
Come inside tonight and warm my heart
Create a way for me to just come clean
 

After Grace

 

Cover me, oh, cover me
If you’re brave enough
Lay your garment on my head
And call my selfish bluff

Enter in, oh, enter in
This house which I have built
It’s piled high with deeds and such
To hide my aches of guilt

Find in me, oh, find in me
Something that is good
Take this heart and wring it out
Repaint it, if you could

Welcome me, oh, welcome me
If I choose to be
Someone who is worth a drop
Of blood so rare, so clean

Set your eyes, oh, set your eyes
On my coming steps
And guide my feet to miss the holes
Which I have dug myself

Heal this heart, oh, heal this heart
From all the wounds it knows
And maybe, one day, after grace
You can sweep me home

I Feel It Coming Soon

 

Helpless and hidden, I find myself bare
Yet still I feel so trapped inside here
Within these walls of safety and home
I’ve never felt more on my own

Tiny scratches turn into wounds
Too many falls, searching for room
To enter something more than tradition
To discover truth that deserves a mention

And this time I will not be covered
Pledging approval to unwanted lovers
Peace is something I’ve yet to discover
But I feel it coming soon

Meaningless words that lead into praise
I find myself silent, voice still, eyes gaze
To the decoration of the sacred
A piece of holiness stitched on a blanket

And the emptiness I feel in this place
I can’t get answers, I can’t explain
What it is I doubt so strongly
The things that somehow still haunt me nightly

I can’t sit back and just not fight it
I must defend my truth or hide it
This time I will not be silent
Oh, I feel it coming soon
   
And I admit that I am tired
Of walking in circles for countless miles
Always ending  where I began
Looking for Jesus to draw in the sand

Maybe He could spell it all out
Letter by letter, erase my doubt
Turn my heart into something rejoicing
Make my soul a place of anointing

Someday soon I will vow not to leave
Oh, I will not search endlessly
And some sweet day I will believe
And I feel it coming soon

Redemption

The silence overwhelms me
I stare at the floor
Counting the scratches and whatever else I find
I question my motives
I analyze to death
I seek to somehow save my life

And with these nagging questions
I fall to my transgressions
And try to cover up what I don’t want seen
But still these demons find me
They take and sacrifice me
And without a fight, I surrender to their scheme

Tired and broken, I finally speak
To anyone who might be near
Will I ever again know peace?
Can I find redemption here?

Beaten like a martyr
Wounds cover my flesh
And healing seems like such an empty cry
I try to readjust things
But still I count regrets
So many that I’m way too numb to try

In spite of these rules
I want a love that’s good
And maybe my salvation will come there
But now I feel so distant
So cold and unrepentant
So I question mercy’s power and just say it’s not fair

Tired and broken, I finally speak
To anyone who might be near
Will I ever again know peace?
Can I find redemption here?

These memories of better days
They hold me to the ground
Kicking and screaming, I want a new day
I’m waiting for my turn to come around

Tired and broken, I finally speak
To anyone who might be near
Will I ever again know peace?
Can I find redemption here?