Escape

Lately, I have been in self-help mode. I’ve been aware of the fact that there are many things in my life that need to be changed, many habits that I need to quit and many habits that I need to start. I know I need to choose healthier foods. I know I need to set aside time every day to write. I know I need to spend more time on my schoolwork. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to spend time in communion with God. I know I need to learn how to give. Those are the things I know I should be doing. As for the things I should not be doing, I shouldn’t procrastinate so much. I shouldn’t be so messy and disorganized. I shouldn’t waste so much time online. I shouldn’t waste so much time, period.

I have felt incredibly burnt out lately. I like my school and am enjoying most of my classes this semester, but I am tired. I am tired of completing one task and then immediately having to start on another one. I am tired of reading things I have to read and not having time to read things I want to read. I am discouraged that my efforts seem to be in vain sometimes. I have been lacking enthusiasm to try harder.

As I said, I’ve been in self-help mode since the beginning of the year. In the spare time I do have, I’ve been reading books to help me figure things out. I’ve been reading books on art, creativity, and what it means to be an artist. I’ve been reading spiritual books that I expect to help guide me. I’m just starting a book about food and what it truly is. I read a lot of books, but I rarely act.

Because I’ve felt so weary lately, any free time that I have had has either been spent reading the aforementioned books or just spent doing absolutely nothing. When I don’t have reading to do or a paper due for school, I just like to zone out, to let my mind turn to mush. I’ve been blaming school for this, but I think it goes deeper.

I am one of those people who does not like facing conflict or difficulty. I will let someone walk all over me before I stand up for myself. I will wait until the very last moment to address a difficult task. When I am my most stressed out or depressed, I crawl into bed and sleep. I escape any way I can.

I am learning, though, that I can’t escape forever. There comes a point when I must face the obstacles and actually deal with them instead of talking about them, writing about them, or reading about them. Reading books on art do me no good unless I attempt to make my own. Reading books on food and nutrition do me no good unless I heed their advice. Reading books on God and faith do me no good unless I also spend some time with God Himself, whether that time is spent through Scripture, prayer, silence, or creativity.

This coming Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent, a time of fasting and cleansing before Easter. Last year was the first year that I observed Lent and it was one of the most intense seasons of my life in many respects. During those days leading up to Easter, I faced some of the worst moments of my life but I also experienced depth in my relationship with God like never before.

There is a quote I read a while ago that I have been thinking about lately, a quote that I think ties into Lent quite well:

“You cannot know that which is most beautiful in yourself unless you are willing to name that which is most hideous.”

–Dan Allender

For me, that is what Lent is all about. It is going inside of yourself and taking inventory. It is a time to focus on what is broken, lost, and wounded. It is a time to see yourself for who you really are, whether that’s selfish, lustful, prideful, or angry. Lent, I think, should be a time of personal mourning, mourning for what we have lost and for what we still need. It should be a time when we see the hideous and call it out, to name it what it is. Lent is a time to fell the weight of sin and to see how it destroys.

But it is also a time to hope. It is a time to remember the resurrection, to remember that the anguish of Good Friday was made right on Easter Sunday. Lent is a time to remember the promise that God will restore us, that He will redeem those who seek Him with all of their hearts. It is a time to know that in spite of our brokenness, wounds, and depravity we are still loved and pursued by our Creator, no matter how long our list of questions is or how self-addicted we have become.

More than anything, Lent is a time to avoid escape. It is a time to start living. I don’t like acting unless I know the outcome. I don’t like certain things unless I know the answers. But life does not often include certainty or answers. What I know and can prove is very little. My focus for this upcoming spiritual season is to focus on who I really am and who I was meant to be. I want to see the hideous but reach for the beautiful. I am convinced that life can be so much more than we often settle for.

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