Ash Wednesday
Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that marks the beginning of the Lenten season which culminates on Easter Sunday. Easter is the cornerstone of the entire Christian faith. Without the resurrection that occurred on the first Easter morning, Jesus would have been a maniac instead of a Savior. Without Easter, the birth of Christ would have no meaning now. The resurrection is a sign that in a world of false Messiahs, Christ was in fact the only true God. It is also a symbol for the life God can and does raise in His Bride.
Last year was the first year that I participated in Lent and it was one of the richest times of my spiritual journey. During those 40 days, I experienced some of my most terrifying and depressing moments, but those moments did not take away from the lessons I was learning or the process I was going through. As someone who is self-addicted about 95% of the time, Lent is a season where I force myself to focus on giving something up, where I make myself examine my heart and see what it truly looks like without the façade.
As I have stopped to ponder the significance of Ash Wednesday, I’ve thought about a lot of things. My church does not have an Ash Wednesday service, but in traditional services the clergyman will use ashes to place a cross on the congregants’ foreheads which most will leave on until after sundown. Though I haven’t ever experienced this myself, I think it’s a really beautiful idea. That ash-drawn cross is a reminder that life is not about me and my own pursuits. It is a sign to the world that today is a day set apart to focus on humility in the light of the cross.
In faith, it is always easier to brush over the hard truths and instead focus upon the ones that promise peace or joy or fellowship. I think of Ash Wednesday as a day to ask God what sin really looks like. I know that I have no true concept of sin. I don’t understand its weight or its consequences. I don’t understand how one lie is just as sinful as molesting a child. Even certain things performed out of goodness can be sinful depending on the motivations behind them. To better understand sin, it is also important to better understand grace. When considering sin, one must also consider that the God who created us and gave us free will was also willing to take on the sins of his creatures and die a brutal, humiliating death. The bitter truth of sin and Good Friday are very dark ideas but they are illuminated as the Church looks forward to the resurrection.
All throughout the day I have been thinking about and listening to the Hold Steady’s song, “How a Resurrection Really Feels.” These are the lyrics to the first verse:
Her parents named her Hallelujah, the kids all called her Holly
If she scared you then she’s sorry
She’s been stranded at these parties
These parties, they start lovely but they get druggy and they get ugly and they get bloodyThe priest just kinda laughed
The deacon caught a draft
She crashed into the Easter mass with her hair done up in broken glass
She was limping left on broken heels
When she said, “Father, can I tell your congregation how a resurrection really feels?”
The song ends with the repeated refrain of “Walk on back.” I think that is what the season of Lent is all about. It is about seeing yourself as Hallelujah, to see the brokenness and the weariness and the limping. It is about knowing human depravity and weakness. It is about mourning sin and its power to destroy.
Ash Wednesday is about all of these things, but it is also a time to look forward and to walk back. It begins a time of preparation for the resurrection. Easter should never be just another Christian holiday but should be a time when the Church is reminded of hope and renewal and redemption.
Though I don’t have a cross on my forehead today, I am thinking about ashes and what they symbolize. Ashes are what remain after a fire. They show what once was, but not in any recognizable way. In a sense, I am very much like a pile of ashes. I exist and I can be seen, but all that is left is a pile of dirt. We are not who we were meant to be. We were created in the image of God to be just a little lower than the angels. After the Fall, we turned to ashes. Death entered the world. Punishment and brokenness made their way into humanity. All that was left of the beauty of Eden was ashes, a bitter reminder of what was left after the destruction of sin.
But ashes can be easily removed or washed away. In spite of humanity’s brokenness, there is hope. There is restoration. There is grace, grace that gives us back the life we were intended to live. It is grace that enables us to tell anyone how a resurrection feels.
Everyone Wants to be Found
Last weekend I re-watched one of my favorite films, Sofia Coppola’s Lost in Translation. I first saw this film a few years ago when I was still in high school. I remember being so moved by the images of a crowded, loud, and bright Tokyo. I was caught up in the beauty of Scarlett Johansson and in the subtlety of Bill Murray. More than anything, I was enthralled with the story of those actors’ characters, Charlotte and Bob.
Charlotte is a twentysomething married woman who holds a degree in philosophy from Yale. Her husband is a photographer and she comes to Tokyo with him while he is working. Their marriage is in its early stages but is already seeing signs of decay. Her husband seems much more interested in work than in her. Charlotte calls a friend back home to talk about her feelings and the friend is completely oblivious to Charlotte’s pain. Charlotte is a hurting woman desperately longing to be seen.
Bob is an American actor who has lost his fame. He comes to Tokyo to shoot a whiskey commercial. He is married to a woman who is no longer impressed with him. With her, he has children who don’t seem especially impressed, either. When he speaks to his wife over the phone, she acts as if it’s an ordeal just to speak to him. She just wants his opinions on carpet samples but does not really want to hear his stories. This eventually drives him to turn away from her. Bob, like Charlotte, is simply drifting through life, just getting through and wanting connection.
The two find their connection in one another. They meet in the lounge of the hotel they’re both staying out and begin an interesting friendship. Friends is all these two ever are. Their relationship stays chaste and respectable. Bob is not above cheating on his wife, but he does not put Charlotte in that role. She is something else to him, and he is something else to her.
In each other, they find connection. Charlotte finds someone who listens to her and wants to spend time with her. Bob finds someone who enjoys his company and invites him into her life. They find in each other what they have been seeking, what they have been so desperate for.
When the film ends, we see how difficult it is for these two people to go their separate ways. Bob whispers something into Charlotte’s ear during their last goodbye and the audience does not get to hear what he says. In Robert Ebert’s review for this film, he said that by the end of the film, Bob and Charlotte have earned their privacy; what Bob said was meant for Charlotte’s ears only. Perhaps they were words only she could understand or appreciate.
As I finished watching the movie last weekend, I was struck by how deeply this story resonated in me this time around. Every time I have watched this movie I have felt something stir inside me but never had the stirring been so intense. Watching it, I was reminded of several things.
I was reminded that I have been Charlotte throughout my life’s most recent seasons. I have longed to be seen in ways that I never have before. I have been desperate for community, for real relationships, and for someone to hear my story but I have not actively sought any of those things. Like Charlotte with her self-help tapes, I have tried to solve things on my own in my own adventure. But that has yet to get me anywhere and the longing still remains.
I was also reminded how desperately people are made to need other people. The first time I watched Lost in Translation I thought about the idea that there are some moments in people’s lives where God allows someone else to enter in, however briefly, to remind one or both people that they are not alone, that they are seen.
One of the taglines for the film is “Everyone wants to be found.” That is such a short statement, but also a profound one. It is one that resonates deeply within me during this time in my life. It reminds me that I am not alone in my desires. It reminds me of the power of words, how five simple words put together can say something so reflective about humanity.
As I have sat thinking about this movie, my feelings, and how the two mesh, I keep going back to the ending, to the whisper between the two friends. I wonder if perhaps it is in whispers that we are found. I wonder if our “foundness” occurs in subtle moments, moments which might seem like nothing but could mean everything when viewed through the proper lens. While big events certainly shape us, it is who we are in the minute, ordinary moments of daily life that reveal who we are and what we want.
As I think about what Bob said to Charlotte, I think about what the whisper is for me. Who are my friends telling me I am? Who is my family saying I have become? What is God thinking when He sees my brokenness, my self-addiction? What are the whispers, where are the moments, and who are the people that can possibly change my path and my heart? I believe if those things and that person can appear in the lounge of a Tokyo hotel for two American strangers then they can appear anywhere, anytime, with anyone. If I truly do want to be found, I must open my eyes and fight for it.
Escape
Lately, I have been in self-help mode. I’ve been aware of the fact that there are many things in my life that need to be changed, many habits that I need to quit and many habits that I need to start. I know I need to choose healthier foods. I know I need to set aside time every day to write. I know I need to spend more time on my schoolwork. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to spend time in communion with God. I know I need to learn how to give. Those are the things I know I should be doing. As for the things I should not be doing, I shouldn’t procrastinate so much. I shouldn’t be so messy and disorganized. I shouldn’t waste so much time online. I shouldn’t waste so much time, period.
I have felt incredibly burnt out lately. I like my school and am enjoying most of my classes this semester, but I am tired. I am tired of completing one task and then immediately having to start on another one. I am tired of reading things I have to read and not having time to read things I want to read. I am discouraged that my efforts seem to be in vain sometimes. I have been lacking enthusiasm to try harder.
As I said, I’ve been in self-help mode since the beginning of the year. In the spare time I do have, I’ve been reading books to help me figure things out. I’ve been reading books on art, creativity, and what it means to be an artist. I’ve been reading spiritual books that I expect to help guide me. I’m just starting a book about food and what it truly is. I read a lot of books, but I rarely act.
Because I’ve felt so weary lately, any free time that I have had has either been spent reading the aforementioned books or just spent doing absolutely nothing. When I don’t have reading to do or a paper due for school, I just like to zone out, to let my mind turn to mush. I’ve been blaming school for this, but I think it goes deeper.
I am one of those people who does not like facing conflict or difficulty. I will let someone walk all over me before I stand up for myself. I will wait until the very last moment to address a difficult task. When I am my most stressed out or depressed, I crawl into bed and sleep. I escape any way I can.
I am learning, though, that I can’t escape forever. There comes a point when I must face the obstacles and actually deal with them instead of talking about them, writing about them, or reading about them. Reading books on art do me no good unless I attempt to make my own. Reading books on food and nutrition do me no good unless I heed their advice. Reading books on God and faith do me no good unless I also spend some time with God Himself, whether that time is spent through Scripture, prayer, silence, or creativity.
This coming Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent, a time of fasting and cleansing before Easter. Last year was the first year that I observed Lent and it was one of the most intense seasons of my life in many respects. During those days leading up to Easter, I faced some of the worst moments of my life but I also experienced depth in my relationship with God like never before.
There is a quote I read a while ago that I have been thinking about lately, a quote that I think ties into Lent quite well:
“You cannot know that which is most beautiful in yourself unless you are willing to name that which is most hideous.”
–Dan Allender
For me, that is what Lent is all about. It is going inside of yourself and taking inventory. It is a time to focus on what is broken, lost, and wounded. It is a time to see yourself for who you really are, whether that’s selfish, lustful, prideful, or angry. Lent, I think, should be a time of personal mourning, mourning for what we have lost and for what we still need. It should be a time when we see the hideous and call it out, to name it what it is. Lent is a time to fell the weight of sin and to see how it destroys.
But it is also a time to hope. It is a time to remember the resurrection, to remember that the anguish of Good Friday was made right on Easter Sunday. Lent is a time to remember the promise that God will restore us, that He will redeem those who seek Him with all of their hearts. It is a time to know that in spite of our brokenness, wounds, and depravity we are still loved and pursued by our Creator, no matter how long our list of questions is or how self-addicted we have become.
More than anything, Lent is a time to avoid escape. It is a time to start living. I don’t like acting unless I know the outcome. I don’t like certain things unless I know the answers. But life does not often include certainty or answers. What I know and can prove is very little. My focus for this upcoming spiritual season is to focus on who I really am and who I was meant to be. I want to see the hideous but reach for the beautiful. I am convinced that life can be so much more than we often settle for.
