A Strange Season
Every Sunday, I check PostSecret. I am always amazed and humbled by what I see there. Yesterday I saw the above postcard and realized that person’s secret is also my own.
These past few months have been a strange season in my life. I feel on the cusp of something, but that something never seems to arrive. More than anything, I have struggled with feeling alone. I do not feel lonely in the “no one loves me” sense; I feel lonely because I have no partner to share my life with.
For the past couple of years, I have stood by and watched friend after friend get engaged and married. Tonight a friend told me she and her boyfriend looked at rings today. As I see my married/engaged friends together or hear their stories, waves of different emotions go through me. I feel happy for their own happiness, happy that those I love so dearly have found people who are good, loyal companions. I feel jealous that I am still very much on my own. I ache when I see hands being held or kisses being given. And then I inevitably feel guilty for feeling such selfish emotions. I want more than anything to be able to rejoice alongside my friends but instead, self-pity and constant fears of abandonment are winning out.
As my time in college is slowly but surely nearing its end, I am beginning to think about what to do after graduation day. I never thought I would have to make this decision alone. When I was younger, I just assumed by now I, like 90% of my friends, would have someone to make that decision with me, someone to be with when my life once again took a turn for change. But instead I am staring out at a future I cannot imagine, a future that seems very frightening and lonely.
As my friends grow in their relationships with their partners, they also grow farther away from me. Though marriage and children do not mean that I lose my friend, it does mean that relationship changes significantly. I am only 21 years old and feel so out of my place in some of my friendships. While some friends are worried about bills, babies, and full-time jobs, I am worried about my reading load this semester. I worry about my next exam. Sometimes, when I am with certain people, I feel as if I am a little kid playing dress-up.
The above postcard resonated so strongly with me because I too struggle to believe there is anyone out there who is looking for me. I see myself as I really am. I know my flaws, my sins, and my selfishness. I know the ugliest pieces of myself and wonder how anyone could ever want me. Because no one ever has before, I struggle to believe I will ever be pursued. This might not be so scary if it weren’t for the loss in closeness with my core group of friends. As they find love, I lose a part of them. Putting my feelings in these terms once again makes me feel guilty; all I can seem to think about is myself. But these past few months have hurt so much because not only do I not have a partner or any real promise of ever being wanted by someone else, but I am also losing touch with people I love and rely on.
Last week I went to a movie with my best friend. We were standing in line after the movie waiting to pay for parking and she was telling me about her boyfriend and how she knows they’ll be engaged shortly. I came home, crawled into bed, and simply cried for a while. I cried because she has what I can’t even fathom. I cried because I know I am slowly losing part of her friendship. I cried because I hated myself for feeling so selfish.
Over the weekend, I had dinner with a different friend. Our waiter spent the entire meal flirting with my friend, never really acknowledging I was even present at the table. I asked for things and never got them, while he offered her things over and over again. We laughed about this, but deep inside it hurt. The deepest cry of my heart is to be beautiful, to be seen as lovely. Instead I seem only to be ignored.
I do not mean to wallow in my own sadness and difficulties. But I am learning lately that I must allow myself to feel. Far too often, I bury my emotions. I bury them because I do not want to deal with some of them. There are certain questions I don’t want to ask, certain moments I don’t want to cry about anymore. This time in my life feels so strange for so many reasons. I don’t normally feel such sadness; I am very much an optimistic, joyful person. But as I have forced myself to fully experience and express my emotions, I feel so stuck in a rut of despair. I have longed so desperately for true community lately, but instead seem to be receiving the opposite.
Not only do I feel guilty for the envy I feel regarding my friends’ relationships, but I also feel guilty because God has not been enough for me. I want to fall in love with Jesus. I want to be one of those people not afraid to do anything for Christ. But I am not there and never have been. I pray frequently that God would either take my desires for romance away or fulfill them quickly. I also pray that He alone would be able to fill my emptiness. Instead of feeling full, I just feel alone in the silence that follows my prayers. As I have struggled to reach for God more and more lately, I have felt that He too is distant and far from me.
There are a lot of things that I need to work on in my life. I need God to repair the wounds that have ripped apart my heart. I need to deal with my shame, sin, and selfishness. I need to stop worrying so much about what steps are next for me. All of this difficult and emotional spiritual work is taking its toll on me. I have no interest in school this semester; I struggle to believe I have what it takes to do well. I have distanced myself from certain people because being around them just reminds me of my aloneness and afterwards I simply hurt. I feel very defeated and weary right now. I have never been this broken for such a long amount of time. I know brokenness ultimately brings about healing, but, just as I am struggling with so much else, I am also struggling to believe that healing is on its way.
I do not believe that meeting someone and falling in love can heal me. No human being is able to heal my wounds and hurts. All I want right now is someone to love me. I too want someone to love, someone to teach me selflessness. I want someone that will force me to risk, someone that will be there for me when I do take chances. I want to know what it’s like to be truly open and vulnerable. I want someone to share art and meals with. I want a constant ally, a constant partner. I long for someone to find me beautiful, even after he has seen all of my flaws. I want someone to hold my hand.
I desperately long for so many things right now. Some things I can do something about, but there is nothing I can do to make a man pursue me. There is nothing I can do to make someone love me. I can only wait. I can only pray. I can only hope there is indeed someone out there in the world who is waiting for me just as I now wait for him.
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