If This is Only a Test

I could hear the church bells ringing
They pealed aloud your praise
The members faces were smiling
With their hands outstretched to shake
It’s true they did not move me
My heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find you anywhere

Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen you
And some days I don’t love you at all

The devoted were wearing bracelets
To remind them why they came
Some concrete motivation
When the abstract could not do the same
But if all that’s left is duty
I’m falling on my sword
At least then I would not serve
An unseen, distant lord

If this is only a test
I hope that I’m passing
Cause I’m losing steam
And I still want to trust you

Peace be still

(“Secret of the Easy Yoke” by Pedro the Lion)

David Bazan, the man behind Pedro the Lion, is one of my favorite songwriters. His ability to discuss faith with such a heartbreaking honesty is something I truly admire and strive for in my own writing.

I am learning now that this phase I am in, this valley of questioning and doubt, is necessary for me to walk through. For a long time now, I have not allowed myself to sink this far. I have allowed simple clichés to answer some of my questions. Since I was a little girl, I have trusted in God and His sovereignty. I have believed in His truth.

While the foundation of that truth I do not question (things like salvation, redemption, grace), I do have so many other questions that need to be addressed. They do not necessarily have to be answered but I must allow myself to ask them. I am convinced the truth, the ultimate God-ordained truth, can stand up to my poking and prodding.  

I have struggled to maintain consistent passion in my spiritual journey these past few years. Looking back now, I have to wonder if maybe that is because I haven’t allowed myself to truly ask the things I’ve wanted to ask God. I have sometimes played the role of the good Christian, but role-playing has no place in Christianity.

I feel such a connection to the above song because there is no role-playing there. It’s harsh, but honest. It’s hard to admit that some days I don’t love God at all, but I must realize that’s true. Love is selfless, patient, and centered on devotion and loyalty. I have been anything but selfless, patient, devoted, and loyal lately. There are days when I have been totally amazed at God and His work; other days I have not been able to sense Him at all, even when I truly sought His glory.

I am convinced that honesty must be my top priority in my relationship with God. He knows my thoughts and my selfishness without me ever confessing. He knows my questions before I have asked them. To attempt to hide my doubts and cynicism from God is to put up a roadblock in the middle of my spiritual path.

I want to be able to be honest with my God. I believe that’s what He wants, also.  I believe any healing must begin with honesty and openness. To be vulnerable is difficult for me, but I am realizing more and more it’s an essential part of my journey not just as a Christian, but as a human being.

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