And I Just Need a Place Now to Begin

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I wanna find my way
Find my way back home
I want to learn to love
And I want to be known

Cause I want to tell you how
But there’s no good metaphor
Knocking at my door

So will you help me friend?
Help discover this new world
Don’t quite know where to begin
But I imagine it on the horizon

The light is breakin’ through
Still I don’t know what to do
Standing here just me and you

And you know that I would run if the wind would call me
And I would rise, but it seems I’m falling
And I just need a place now to begin… to begin
So I can begin again

So do we just start right here
Or go back to the same square one
Isn’t that my biggest fear?
That I’ll miss it when it comes

Cause I don’t know what to do
Is the Kingdom even breakin’ through?
God, I hope it still is true

Cause from everything I see
The biggest problem still seems to be me
And for all the ways the world is shit
There is so much beauty in all of it

But I can’t seem to find
The very thing that haunts my mind
Could it be that I’m still blind?

And you know that I would see if you’d wash my eyes
But I keep swallowing the same old lies
And I just need a place now to begin… to begin
So I can begin again

Is it true? Or is it fantasy?
What is real? Is it mere chemistry?
And where is home? Some place I can’t be.
Is it true? Or is it just my own delusion?

Cause you know that I want to believe you now
But I lost my way somehow
And I just need a place now to begin…

To begin to see that I can find my way home, my friend
And I might, but until then, well…
I just need a place now to begin… to begin
So I can begin again

(“Begin Again” by The Cobalt Season from their album In Search of a Unified Theory)

If ever there was a theme song for my life the past few months, this would be it. I have felt very lost lately. I have been drowning in doubt, fear, and guilt. Hope has been like sand slowly slipping through my fingers.

I have been struggling to know, see, and feel God. (Of course, I haven’t been trying that hard to know or see or feel…) I have doubted the accuracy and relevance of the Bible. I have struggled to see God as love. I have this image in my mind of an Old Testament-style God who is full of wrath and anger because of my mistakes. It has been hard for me to reconcile this image I have of an angry, vengeful God with the image I have of a God full of grace and love. I don’t understand how the two meet, how they exist in one Being. I believe God is there. I do not doubt his existence or his hand in creation. But I do struggle to believe, especially now, that he loves me and finds me valuable.

I have also been feeling quite brokenhearted recently. I have stood by and watched friend after friend enter into relationships, get engaged, and get married these past few years. I am still single. I have never been fought for or pursued. I have heard story after story of my friends’ respective happiness. I have heard about cute things partners have done. I have witnessed handholds, gazes, and kisses. But I have been only a witness, never a participant. It is difficult to feel valuable as a woman when I feel that no one sees me as such. I still feel like a little girl playing dress up whose friends have suddenly outgrown the game and are moving on to reality.

I feel extremely guilty for these struggles. I feel guilt for doubting the God who has blessed me with so much. I feel guilty for doubting Scripture, but the whole “The Bible says it so I believe it” line just won’t work for me anymore. I feel guilty for wanting some sort of proof.

I feel guilty for not being able to put aside my own emotions and simply rejoice alongside my friends who know God-ordained love. I feel ashamed that I have never known it, that no one has ever invited me into it.

I am fearful of so much, mostly ending up abandoned and alone. I am still so young,  but I struggle to believe that my future will contain happiness and fulfillment. Sometimes I worry that God does not care about my happiness, only about my righteousness.  

One reason I feel so guilty about all of these various emotions is because I am so richly blessed. I have never known true need. I have an abundance of food, clothing, and “stuff.” I have a group of wonderful, loving friends. I have a family who loves and adores me. I have so, so much. But there is still so much I long for.

As I sat down and allowed myself to feel these feelings, to think through them, I realized that I don’t see myself as others probably do. I don’t consider myself worthy of God’s love or forgiveness. I don’t look at who I am and see anything special or unique, anything that only I possess. I know these feelings are not from God. I know they are not from circumstances in my life. I know many of these thoughts are from Satan, a force I rarely consider. But they feel very real. The anxiety they bring is painful.

I do want to begin again. I want to learn how to see the truth and trust in it without evidence. I want to rejoice with those in my life who deserve joy and love. I want to be able to see myself as God sees me. I want to be able to live as a Christian without feeling like a failure every single day.

I want so much. And even in some of these wants, there is guilt.

Guilt that I am not satisfied already. Guilt that I dare ask for anything when so many people in the world have nothing. Guilt that I just can’t seem to understand what faith really means.

I want desperately to be fixed, to be whole. I know that only God can cause these things to happen, but I have prayed and sought answers for these wounds before and here I am, still aching.

I feel as if I am in the middle of a dense fog.

I read a quote by Dan Allender a while ago and it struck a chord in me:

“You cannot know that which is most beautiful in yourself unless you are willing to name that which is most hideous.”

I want to find the beautiful in my life and in the way I view myself and love. I can name many hideous aspects of my life, things rooted in nothing more than self-addiction. I cannot just ignore these ugly spaces inside myself; I must admit them and confess them. I must learn how to rest in my brokenness, in this present ache.

I must learn how to rest.

 There another song besides the one above that I’ve had on repeat lately. It’s “Tension is a Passing Note” by Sixpence None the Richer. Part of the song says this:

But tension is to be loved
When it is like a passing note
To a beautiful, beautiful chord

It is my hope that I am not just standing on a cliff, diving down into sadness and despair. It is my hope that I am just in a valley right now, ready to ascend to a place I have never been, to see a view I have never before witnessed.

I feel so broken. Ironically, I cannot seem to hope in anything but that brokenness. Perhaps it is my brokenness that will ultimately be necessary for my eventual healing. Perhaps Sixpence is right and beauty is on its way. I am just waiting for the fog to lift, unsure of what else to do.

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