Will You Marry Me?

I certainly never meant to neglect this blog for almost two months. Since school started back up in late September, that’s what has been consuming most of my time. This is by far the busiest quarter I’ve ever had; when I’m not studying, I’m sprawled out on my bed doing absolutely nothing and loving every second of it. I’ve missed writing, though. I haven’t done that much of it offline, either. But I came across a link through this blog that I wanted to spend some time thinking about.

Yesterday I read a blog entry discussing Christians and marriage. Before you read my thoughts on it, I suggest you read the actual piece. The author, Andy Moore, has some great things to say regarding what most assume marriage is why that assumption is often far from the real thing.

One of the things he starts off saying is that he sees a lot of his Christian friends on the prowl for a mate. I’ve known a lot of Christians lately who have gotten married or engaged at really young ages. It seems marriage is so highly regarded in the church it sometimes seems as if it’s the ultimate goal.

It’s certainly been mine, I think. As someone who is currently in her junior year of college, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking regarding my future plans. I’ve tried to make good decisions about what university I wanted to transfer to, what careers to pursue, what should be my priorities, etc. It’s like I have this unwritten list in my head: go to college, graduate college, get married. Even thought it’s my own personal list, it sort of surprises me.

I’m not that romantic of a person. I think most weddings are schmaltzy, I hate most love songs, and I know I am nowhere close to being even the slightest bit ready to don an overly priced white dress. Yet there it is, on the list: my wedding day. It’s supposedly drawing nearer, and there’s no groom, plan, or pretty diamond in sight.

As I thought about this, I realized that I am loving this chapter of my life. I like doing whatever I want whenever I want to do it. I like being able to indulge my whims without consulting someone else. Those facts brought me to a question: If I’m so content right now, why have I been thinking about marriage so much lately?

I think the key passage of the blog entry that spurred on all of these thoughts is this part here:

“My main issue here, the one I’ve been meaning to talk about for so long, is that marriage isn’t a thing;. Marriage isn’t something in and of itself that you can want. If you think of it in abstract, if you reduce it to some form of status, you utterly miss the point. I’m talking to all my single Christian friends here: If marriage is something you are desiring, something you are hoping for; if you are looking for a ‘someone’ to take that space beside you at the altar; then you probably have a wrong view of marriage…Marriage is not a thing you can want. It is a covenant with a particular person.”

I read that section over and over again because I think he’s right, and because I realized that my view of marriage has been wrong. Or, perhaps, my desire to be married has been based on the wrong reasons.

Earlier this week in my English class, we were discussing a Nathaniel Hawthorne story where this man seeks to get rid of a birthmark on his wife’s otherwise perfect face. He succeeds in removing the mark, yet his wife is killed in the process. The point of the story? Sometimes the strive for perfection can end with disastrous results. As we started talking about the story in class, my instructor asked why people try so hard to be perfect, why we try so hard to please the people around us. And I realized that we’re each seeking validation, seeking out someone we esteem to tell us who we are, to name us.I realized I do this a lot. I love receiving praise at work because it makes me feel in control. I will read and reread good comments on my English papers because they make me feel like I really am a good writer. I cannot wait to receive my final GPA of the quarter because when I see it, it makes me feel intelligent. I want my friends to love me so that I feel needed. I want my parents to be proud of me so that I feel like a good person. And I want to get married because then someone would be declaring me a beautiful, worthy person. It is not a covenant I’ve been seeking, but validation.

I read another blog entry this week that hit home in a big way. It was talking about how difficult it is to truly live as a Christian, how hard it is to let God take over. I have a hard time letting myself be loved by God. I always want to earn His love and when I realize (yet again) that I can’t, I give up. Here’s a quote from the entry:

“I used to pray all the time, God change this part of me, take this out of my mind, help me to be (fill in the blank). When I didn’t miraculously change, and have an overwhelming desire to live my life by biblical principles I figured it was because God was displeased with me, that I was somehow inadequate to receive what I so desperately wanted. This of course, lead to me not even wanting to try, kinda like, ‘If God can’t even change me, then there really must be no hope for me.’”

And so it’s been with me so much lately. If there is one thing I am, it is stubborn. (If you know me, you’re nodding your head right now, huh?) My wounds and desires to be fulfilled by people’s opinions will never go away until I let Him name me. Worldly validation is meaningless, but His actually carries some weight.

As long as I feel I need a man to be my husband, that I need to get married to ever be made whole, then I will know I am not actually ready for the commitment that marriage brings. I realized that, as lovely as the idea is, a husband cannot make me whole. Perhaps you are truly whole when your vision finally becomes alligned with God’s, when you see yourself as He does. Not as a screw-up, but as someone who is a perfect candidate for grace. Not as ugly, but as someone who was molded and formed in the womb. Not as too far gone, but as someone who is always within reach of redemption. Not as someone who is incomplete, but as someone who is complete in Him.

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