Held
Mine is the heart that is cracked and is broken
With pieces scattered all over back there
Serving as tombstones for what I have lost
In every jaded affair
It takes so much strength to just walk away
It takes so much love to decide
That nothing is worth the weight of what’s lost
When that which is true is denied
But at my most distant I felt your fingers
Tracing the shape of my face
Longing to take back the heart I abused
And heal every bit of disgrace
Though I have doubted and struggled to hope
Though with every step I fell
I’ve questioned so much, but I’m certain of this
In your arms I have always been held
Faith isn’t faith when signs are demanded
And I have demanded my share
Not so much to prove you exist
But to be reassured that you cared
Enough to cause a bush to ignite
To make yourself small in the wind
Just to remind me no matter how far
It’s in you I will always begin
But at my most faithless I felt your gaze
Falling upon my head
Offering me the best of the best
In exchange for my pennies and thread
And though I have doubted and struggled to hope
Though with every step I fell
I have questioned so much, but I’m certain of this
In your arms I have always been held
Walk On
I’ve often wondered why there have been so many moments when I have wandered away from Jesus, why I lost faith or heart or courage or a mix of them all. I find that when I do wander I feel discouraged and doubtful. I would feel discouraged because it would seem that nothing much had changed from the time before, and I would feel doubtful that I could ever be the saint I felt the need to be, that Jesus could ever turn me into anyone who was good. When these feelings crept up, I would bail.
I have always heard the phrase “relationship with God.” To those who happened to grow up outside of the church, there is probably the question of how anyone could have a relationship with something or someone which is invisible and cannot ever truly be proven to even exist. Yet, growing up with the term, I never really questioned that aspect. But, growing up with the term, I never really considered it, either.
It’s only been lately that I’ve been thinking about what it truly means to have a relationship with God, what it means to realize that this Jesus who turned the world upside down is a relational person to the core. Honestly, it’s only been lately that I’ve seen Jesus as a person. A person can deny God all he or she wants, but eventually everyone will have to wrestle with this man Jesus. He existed; there is no disputing that. And the way I see it, He is either who He said He was or He was just another lunatic.
Sometimes the idea of God, in all of His invisible bigness and majesty, can be too much for me to take in. It’s hard for me to imagine an open door to such amazing holiness when my hands are often so dirty. But Jesus gives me hope. Jesus loved and called the worst of the bunch. He loved the losers and the outcasts and the whores. He pursued their hearts relentlessly. And that is the key, I think, to the entire Christian life and concept: God is always pursuing the heart of His people, longing so desperately for relationship.
To help me understand spiritual things, I often take things and put them into terms I can identify with. While thinking about how Christianity is all about relationship, I thought about my friendships. I’m blessed to know some amazing people, but they’re each far from perfect. I get frustrated and disappointed with them sometimes, yet I don’t turn my back. I don’t walk away. I frustrate and disappoint them, too, I know, yet they don’t give up on me, either.
But then there’s God. I have given up on Him when He seemingly disappointed me. I have walked away when I felt too dirty to ask for help. But God is a relational God, and I think relationships are serious things.
I don’t think people take relationships seriously enough anymore, whether those relationships be platonic or romantic or even to the church. It seems when one person fails the other, the relationship is either done or forever changed. People give up on one another so often. People walk away from someone when that person isn’t giving them exactly what they need or want. We want the reward without the risk.
And then there’s Jesus, who called the uneducated losers of society to be His followers. He knew these men would fail Him. He knew from the beginning one would betray Him so deeply. He knew they would act like cowards and would let fear get the best of them. Yet He called them. And He loved them so much that He left everything in their hands.
If Jesus called the broken and the depraved to be His megaphone to the world, then there must be the chance that He can do something with this life of mine. There must be the chance that if 12 nobodies can change the course of history that God could use the sinful, wounded people of today to impact the world for His glory. If Jesus pursued people who He knew were fallen, whose hearts He knew were bruised, He is still pursuing the same sort of hearts now. And nothing can break the relationship once it has started. Nothing can chip away at the love of God. And this is somewhat of a recent revelation for me.
Next time I am tempted to throw in the towel and quit, I want to remember that He has never quit on me. I want to remember that I have felt His pull even at my most distant. I want to remember that Jesus always welcomed into His arms anyone who was broken or weary. I want to remember that He is all about love, and my life, above all, should be so immersed in that love I can’t help but reflect it.
