The Definition vs. What’s Real
Chris·tian [kris-chuh
n] –adjective
| 1. | of, pertaining to, or derived from Jesus Christ or His teachings: a Christian faith. |
| 2. | of, pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ: Spain is a Christian country. |
| 3. | of or pertaining to Christians: many Christian deaths in the Crusades. |
| 4. | exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ; Christlike: She displayed true Christian charity. |
| 5. | decent; respectable: They gave him a good Christian burial. |
| 6. | human; not brutal; humane: Such behavior isn’t Christian. |
–noun
| 7. | a person who believes in Jesus Christ; adherent of Christianity. |
| 8. | a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ: He died like a true Christian. |
| 9. | a member of any of certain Protestant churches, as the Disciples of Christ and the Plymouth Brethren. |
| 10. | the hero of Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress. |
| 11. | a male given name. |
Sometimes I feel as if I shouldn’t call myself a true Christian, going by the definitions above. I haven’t been living as a Christian 100% for the past few years. I’ll have days where I’ll be focused and committed, but then I always step back, mainly because I can’t sense God’s presence or hear His whispers. I’m not usually expecting a burning bush, but it would be nice just to know He’s listening and still cares, even after all of my selfishness and pride.
The reason I haven’t really been too God-focused these last few years is because of that verse in Revelation that basically says that God would prefer His people to be either hot or cold, never lukewarm. I didn’t want to be lukewarm anymore, so I just stopped trying.
I believe in God. I believe that He created the world and sent His son Jesus to redeem His people. And I know the Bible so vividly paints a portrait of God’s love, but for some reason I have a hard time believing it applies to me.
In Bible study a few weeks ago, my leader said that it is usually easier for people to forgive themselves for their errors, instead pointing the finger at others and condemning them. But for me it’s the opposite. I can’t seem to fathom God still longing for me after all of my wrongs (and there’s certainly been plenty). But I believe that God can redeem even the worst of humanity if that person seeks His grace, as Jesus forgave the thief on the cross.
It hit me recently that I have never been in love with Jesus. I have often said I love Him, and often have. But I’ve never been like a person in love, so passionate that I would do anything for Him, that I would surrender everything for good. Or maybe I did feel like that at one point when I was younger, but don’t really recall it since it’s been so long.
I think one of the biggest reasons I hesitate jumping back into my relationship with Jesus is because I fear turning into the Christians I so often see around me. It seems so many believers are harsh, judgmental people who only support Right-wing causes and think church is all about them.
I think being the daughter of a pastor has tainted my views a lot. I probably know more than the average church-goer how much people whine, complain, and back-stab. I see the selfishness in people and some Sundays I don’t even want to walk through the sanctuary doors. It seems as if all the burdens my father carries as he tries to lead the church to growth and passion falls on my shoulders too, simply because I love him and hate that he is stressed so often with such petty crap.
But I am often just as selfish, just in different ways, which always stings a bit to realize. That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to be a mother; I think I’m far too selfish to ever be a good parent.
Another reason I hesitate is because there is so much I don’t understand about God and life, like homosexuality, why God created us if He knew we’d only hurt Him, and if He truly is able to forget all of our sins.
I suppose that every follower has questions and concerns. I’m just not sure how to truly get over my own.
Fairy Tale
It’s like a broken record
The same words are repeated
When I lay down in my empty bed
Another day not needed
The greatest wounds come in silence
The absence makes me ache
It’s amazing to me how happiness
Can be so easily faked
In every fairy tale, the prince comes for the girl
He saves her from the life she longs so badly to leave
And even though I have the dress, I am losing hope
That he will one day come and save me
It’s like the worst confession
Admitting something’s wrong
I feel like I am broken
And have been that way so long
In some grand way I’ve failed
To be the envied beauty
I feel that if he’d chase me now
It would just be out of duty
In every fairy tale, the prince comes for the girl
He saves her from the loneliness that hides inside the grief
And even though I’ve played the role I am losing hope
That he will one day come and save me
I haven’t written lyrics in forever, so it felt really nice to write something again…
