What Comes Before
During my breaks at work yesterday, I was reading a Philip Yancey book called Reaching for the Invisible God. In it, Yancey was talking about faith and obedience towards God. Something he said especially struck me, since it painted a picture of exactly what I’ve been struggling with.
Yancey said that before a person can expect to feel God or sense His presence, he or she must first act. Basically, before anyone can walk intimately with God and know His will, they must first imitate Him.
If this is true, it explains why I haven’t felt God’s presence at all lately, even when I have truly longed to. I’ve been thinking that I need to be pure and holy before I act like a Christian, lest I be a hypocrite. So I’ve been turning to Scripture and prayer demanding God to reveal Himself. And He hasn’t chosen to, so I have felt bewildered, lost, and doubtful. But why would God choose to reveal His heart to a girl who wasn’t willing to pursue that heart’s one true passion, which is to love?
I have not been loving well lately. I have heard some great sermons on love, have read some introspective thoughts on love, and have been convicted that I need to love more. But love has not poured from me, especially inside the walls of my church.
I have in no way loved the people of my church lately. I didn’t even want to be on church grounds last week because of how frustrated and angry I was with 90% of the church body. Being the daughter of a pastor, I get very defensive of my father. I know how much negative comments weigh on his shoulders. I know how much selfish perspective on what should and should not be can burden him if they are brought with a poor attitude. I take too much of this stuff personally and have a hard time letting it go, especially when the people that add to the burden never ask to be forgiven for their role. I realize, though, that I can’t expect to feel God’s presence if I don’t even love His church.
Another thing Yancey pointed out in the section I was reading yesterday was how marriage and romance metaphors are used so frequently in Scripture to describe the relationship between God and His people.
I have been longing to be involved in a romantic relationship these past few weeks. But I have not been craving the normal things most girls crave when longing for intimacy. I haven’t wished for flowers or romantic dates, the white dress or the sweet surprises. I have longed for the simple and seemingly mundane things that come along in a relationship when the romance begins to fade. I have longed to lay my head in someone’s lap, to wake up and have someone next to me.
Sometimes in my relationship with God, I feel as if I am a bride who has just returned from her honeymoon. I feel excited and beautiful and confident the love I feel will last forever. But when the first difficult thing comes, like temptation or a sense of weariness, I leave my groom, my God, to satisfy my own selfish need. In reality, this leaving satisfies nothing at all except my appetite for something easy.
I’ve often thought that one chooses to follow God daily. It isn’t a lifetime deal just because a prayer was uttered. I think the same is true about a marriage. The vows are not something only said once; for a marriage to work for a lifetime, each person must remind themselves of those vows every day. I’m sure once the romance fades into the background, marriage is an incredibly complex, difficult thing. But in spite of how hard marriage must sometimes be, I can’t imagine myself ever leaving my future husband just because I get tired or feel as if he’s not giving me enough attention. I would try to resolve those issues as best I could because I believe the covenant of marriage is a serious one. The decision to be a disciple of Jesus should be taken just as seriously.
I don’t want to be the partner that walks away when things get hard or awkward. I want to know God. I want to love Him. But first I must do what Jesus did: love those people I’d rather stay angry with, care about those situations it would just be easier to ignore, and defend the truth of God even when I look like a fool doing so. I must follow His path before I can see His face.
Visits
I have mostly been ignoring this blog lately. Most of what I write here concerns my highs or lows where faith is concerned. I write about my faith more than anything else because it is the light by which I see. My faith shapes my opinions about every little thing, which, I suppose, it should. And when that faith sort of grinds to a very frustrating halt, I see less, therefore I write less.
It always seems to me that I get these huge glimpses of God, walk steadily for a time, then get distracted, bored, or both and turn away, knowing full well it’s not God who is hiding but blaming Him anyway just because I can. I turn away, really, just because I can. It’s my way of showing that I am in control of my own life, that I am strong. I am telling the God who created things my simple mind will never be able to comprehend that I know better, that I am stronger on my own.
I do this because surrender, total and complete surrender, scares me and sounds completely unappealing. Needing someone and looking to a deity I cannot see with my eyes for guidance and assurance does not give me any certainty or guarantees, both of which I enjoy having nearby.
I am realizing more and more lately just how much I avoid relying on people. I do this to protect myself. Over the past couple of years, I have began to lose faith in people more than I ever have before. I don’t believe in friendship like I once did. I don’t think love solves all the world’s problems like I used to. I suppose this is somewhat of a normal process for anyone who is getting ready to step into the world alone for the first time. Or perhaps it isn’t and I am just jaded. Either way, I have attitudes I know need correction. There are many things in my heart that need fixing, such as my rather low opinions of myself, my extremely low opinions of most men because of former wounds, and my cynical thoughts toward surrender.
I can’t obey and surrender to Jesus until I truly love Him. I don’t believe in love at first sight; I believe genuine love takes time to grow and develop. In my relationship with Jesus, however, I have often wanted things to happed in a love-at-first-sight sort of way. I wanted instant communication. I wanted a Slot Machine God: I wanted to put in my change, pull the lever, and have wisdom and love come out the bottom, flashing lights and bells included. But love doesn’t work like that. Love demands patience and effort and selflessness. I cannot expect to love God, and I cannot expect to surrender unto Him, until I pursue Him the way I wish to be pursued, which is constantly.
I have this calendar that sits on my desk next to my computer. My aunt gave it to me years ago. It’s a Max Lucado calendar and it has snippets from his books on each day’s page. I don’t really read Lucado anymore, but today’s snippet was exactly what I needed to be reminded of:
Your walk with God is essential. His heart is not seen in an occasional chat or weekly visit. We learn His will as we take up residence in His house every single day.
Instead of visiting God when things are either really bad or really good, I need to move in. Not to be fixed, but to know Him. And by knowing Him, love Him. And by loving Him, surrender to His will.
Switching Places
I have been wondering lately why the culture as a whole, including myself, is so enamored with people we deem as celebrities. I can tell you the names of Patrick Dempsey’s three children, I can list whom Jennifer Lopez has been involved with, and I am still somewhat angry with Brad Pitt for leaving Jennifer Aniston. But when it comes to things I should know, things professors have lectured about or facts in books I have read, I often draw a blank. Why is it that I care more about what caused Reese and Ryan’s break-up than I do about science or math or sociology?
Sometimes I’ll be talking with someone and we’ll be discussing someone famous. After we’ve been conversing for a while, I’ll realize that we’ve sounded as if we actually know this person who we read about or have seen “exclusive” footage of on TV. I was lounging on my bed one day thinking about all of this and how silly it is that someone would care so much about the lives of the rich and famous, and then I realized I had several copies of People magazine in the basket next to my bed. Even I, someone who is aware of the silliness of the celebrity obsession, am still curious.
While driving somewhere one night, I asked a friend of mine why we as a culture have this urge to know about the happenings in the lives of the well known and glamorous. She said that it’s perhaps because we’re simply bored with our own lives and live vicariously through people like Paris Hilton or Angelina Jolie. I think my friend is right to an extent, but as I’ve pondered this fascination with celebrity, I think the issue goes much deeper.
Donald Miller, one of my favorite writers, wrote in what I believe was Through Painted Deserts that people are so mesmerized by beautiful things, like waterfalls or the ocean or mountains, because it reminds us we’re not the lead in the story, that we are actually quite small and feeble compared to the majesty of certain things. I think Miller is on to something with that idea.
Life can often seem so overwhelming and chaotic. The stress of various circumstances can often make a person feel so weary. When we worry and dwell in fear, we’re making ourselves the star of the show. And while being the lead is a frequently sought-after position to be in, along with such a role comes much pressure. For the lead in a play or a movie, there are more lines to learn, more emotion demanded, and more time expected to be devoted to the project. Basically, there is simply more to do, more stress. But we were never meant to be the leads in the story; we as humans are simply supporting characters.
The focus of the story should always be God and what He’s done and what He’s capable of. The stress of life should melt away when we remember that God created the endless galaxies, that He knits life together in the womb. I say this, but God is so rarely the sole focus of my own story. I know in my head that He should be, but when I knowingly sin or have judgment in my heart, I am putting myself in the lead, making the story about me and no one else.
Maybe when we look at celebrities, we experience emotions similar to the ones Miller mentioned. Maybe reading about the glamour and glitz of Hollywood is parallel to the feeling we get when we see the sun setting or the waves crashing or the view from the top of the mountain. Perhaps the pages of Us Weekly, depicting the luxury of the celebrity life, also remind us that we were not meant to be the leads in the story, that there is One who is greater than all human life combined could ever be. When we read about Tom and Katie or who said what about whom, we are, for a moment, stepping back from the leading role of the story and giving that place to someone else, deserving or not. Adam and Eve were created to worship God, to have an intimate, passionate relationship with Him. But when they sinned, that worship was hindered. They covered their naked bodies because they were ashamed. They had forgotten God and made themselves the focus of the story.
I think that when the human heart is carefully examined, there are many traces of each of us trying to correct what should have never been messed up. Eve was the crown of God’s creation, but with sin her beauty was tainted. She was meant to be the most breathtaking of all God’s creatures, but her mistake brought ugliness into her life. Perhaps that is why women today long for beauty so deeply. Maybe that is why many pay thousands for liposuction or injections or implants: deep inside, they know they were meant to be perfect and cannot figure out why they are not.
When I pick up a tabloid and read about the lives of people who I have not and probably will not ever meet, I am reminded that there are stories other than my own, that I am not supposed to be the sole focus. When I stand on the shores of the ocean and let the water and sand cover my feet, staring out at the endless blue, I am reminded I am but a tiny speck in God’s masterpiece. I am reminded that the story is not about me and my shortcomings and successes; all of that pales in comparison to the wonder God possesses and to the indescribable beauty which He has created out of nothing.
