Little Steps in a Consistent Pursuit

There are only four weeks left to go in the book study I’ve been co-leading.  The chapter we were supposed to cover in Captivating this week talked about a woman’s longing for beauty, to possess it and be in the presence of it.  Last week’s chapter dealt with romance and how the female heart is wired for it. I am not one for the typical romantic gestures; I’m not too impressed with candy and flowers. I loathe romance novels and hate most overtly-romantic movies. But even inside of me, there is a desire for romance. Not the typical, cliche kind; I long for a romance unique to me and my personality.

 For tonight’s gathering, we asked the girls to bring their favorite movie clip that showcased a great love story or a deeply beautiful woman. I brought Moulin Rouge! and showed the scene where Satine was singing to the man she loved, Christian,  during the show, with him turning around and coming back for her. As I thought about the movie this afternoon, I was reminded why I love it so much.  The concept that struck me the very first time I saw it is still the concept that strikes me most now and that is the concept of grace.

There is a very big part of me who can identify with the character of Satine.  She is a prostitute who is surprised when a man like Christian shows interest in her.  She knows that she possesses beauty, but Christian is not seeking her simply for her physicality. He sees more and instead seeks her heart. She does not understand this at first. She is used to men using her, paying her, then moving on.  When Christian begins to pursue her, she doubts she is worthy.  Christian is a good man, and she is a whore.  Yet he sees goodness in her and tries to get her to understand and embrace that goodness.

I too constantly struggle with feeling worthy. I often feel inadequate as a student, friend, Christian, and just as a woman in general. I cannot fathom why God would choose me to play a role in His story, or why He keeps on pursuing me when I mess up that role time and time again.

When I look at myself, I so often see a failure. While perhaps not a complete one, there are countless areas of my life I know I could easily improve upon. But I was reminded today, while thinking about the movie, that anyone who is pursued by God in no way deserves it. No one is holy, and no one comes to God with clean hands. While I can forgive others, it is immensely difficult to forgive myself. I neglect grace and instead often choose justice.

 When I examine my spirituality, I see so many areas that could be stronger. I should pray more, spend more time in Scripture, encourage more often, reach out to those who are in need. I am instead so often wrapped up in myself, letting selfishness control my actions and my deeds. But I am learning that being like Jesus does not simply include the big, praise-worthy things believers are often called or told to do. While saying hello to someone who is alone is not a riveting act, it is a necessary one. While forgiving someone who has never asked will not be a topic in the next big box office smash, very few things are more Christ-like.

I know that for me the whole point of my faith is trying to be more like Jesus. I have not done this lately, nor have I tried much. But I am trying to trust that God can use broken people to mend the wounds of other broken souls. I am trying to believe that though I am not often aware of it, there is something in my heart that God has placed there that always draws me back to Him.

Faith is messy, and trying to understand who Jesus really is messier. But I am learning that faith is a series of small steps and not always huge leaps. Kindess is a step to becoming more like Jesus. Patience, charity, and forgiveness were all attributes of Christ. Though I don’t fully understand my role in the story, I know that I have a role. I know that though I too often whore myself out to things that are anything but holy Jesus is willing to fight for me.

I know many things, but applying that knowledge is the most difficult thing for me. Accepting it is even harder.

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