Learning to Accept
I think one of my biggest struggles when it comes to faith is that I haven’t been allowing God to name me. I have wrestled so much lately with failure and a seemingly endless cycle of self-addiction. I felt God didn’t hear my prayers because of my sin. Then I wondered if that was true if He ever heard any prayers at all since I am human and always sinning, even when I might not know it. I am trapped in flesh.
I question so much sometimes. I get so wrapped up in the theology. I have made my Christianity so complex and twisted. Really, Christianity can be summed up by saying that God loves His people and will do anything to win their hearts.
I had decided, though, that I wasn’t worthy of His pursuit anymore. I told myself to stop trying because I could never be “good” or at least good enough. I have let my own doubts name me as a Failure. I have let Satan name me Unworthy. I have let my wound name me as Ugly. I had forgotten that God calls me His daughter. And fathers always love their daughters, regardless of their selfishness or struggles or addictions. They love them without condition, the way God loves me.
Another struggle I constantly face is simply that I am always hoping to figure out God. I think that maybe if I read one more book or hear one more sermon that God and His ways will suddenly make sense. But to expect God to make any sense at all is an unattainable dream. God is too beyond my very small mind.
And while I do not understand all of God’s aspects or understand why He chooses to continually pursue me, I believe that I am loved and wanted and desired. And this is in no way my doing. It is only grace that makes love possible.
One of Satan’s greatest tools, I think, is causing people to forget the grace of God. When a person forgets about grace, they will wrestle with guilt. Shame will name them as Dirty. They will feel like a failure, like they will never quite be enough.
Most people don’t help uncover these lies, however, including me. How often do I encourage? How often do I forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it? How often do I truly treat someone as Jesus would?
Again, I was reminded the other night that I have to start accepting the love of God. Without accepting God’s love, I will never get anywhere at all. I used to wonder how to accept God’s love, but I think I figured it out. Accepting God’s love starts with rejecting Satan’s lies. It starts with denouncing the message of my wound. It starts with realizing that I will never be worthy, but that through the grace of God I am claimed anyway.
It’s amazing how light my heart felt after being reminded of the grace of God. I just sat in the middle of my bed, sobbing. I hid my face and just allowed myself to weep for a moment, out of sheer brokenness and amazed joy.
To close, one of my favorite pieces of Scripture that always makes me feel captivating…
“‘In that day,’ declares the Lord, ‘you will call me ‘my Husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.’”
Hosea 2:16
To Say Thanks
Things I am thankful for:
*My MP3 player
*Best friends
*Beautiful high heels
*Great music
*Sparkly lip gloss
*The scent of tea
*Manicures
*Family
*Really good TV shows
*The library
*Holiday sales
*My friend Katy’s dog, Five
*Huckleberry lip balm
*A dinner out with friends
*Yummy dessert
*Working out and feeling oddly pretty afterwards
*Starbucks
*The fact that chemistry is almost over
*My mom’s homemade hot cocoa
*Laughter
*The Bible Trivia game
*Mix CDs
*Really gripping books
*My gorgeous brown tweed coat
*Curly hair
*New perfume
*Freshly-baked cookies
I’m Never Good at Titles
Well, it’s certainly been a great length of time since this blog has had the “new post” button clicked. I’m not really sure why, either.
The Captivating book study that I talked about a couple of entries ago has finally started. I am genuinely amazed at myself, or rather amazed at how God has been shaping my heart and working through me. I don’t do leadership things. It’s not my forte. I steer away from the thought any time I can. I also don’t do youth. I have little patience for youth. Hanging out with middle and high school girls is not my idea of a great time. But it has been a great time so far. I’ve really been enjoying the girls and I’ve loved hearing their thoughts and ideas on the book.
Something that always frustrated me when I was still in the youth group was that some adults in the leadership positions didn’t seem to believe that youth were capable of using their heads and truly thinking through things. It seemed as if many thought we were unable to handle anything more than the basic theological ideas, dressed down to suit our high school lives. One of my main goals with this study is to really get the girls to use their heads. I don’t want them to be able to tell me everything there is to know about theology and how this book entertwines with that; I do, however, want to give them questions they might wrestle with, or address topics that might seem foreign or, in some cases, scary.
One of the reasons I love Captivating is because it deals with the human heart. It doesn’t give a three-step plan for a successful Christian life. It doesn’t tell women that make-up is evil, that physical beauty is a useless thing, and that they are only meant to be servants. It doesn’t address the symptoms, but instead the disease. I think the heart is so often missed in Christianity. So much of the faith has been reduced to a formula.
God has really been speaking to me through Scripture lately. I’ve been amazed at how He has led me right to particular passages that talk about exactly what I had been wrestling with. Last night on my way to work, I was driving and just thinking about how frustrated I was. I had been trying so hard to see God, to hear God, to be used by God. But instead of hearing His voice, I got silence. Instead of feeling alive in His love, I felt numb to it. I got to work a little bit early and was just sitting in my car listening to music. Then Psalm 13 was brought to my head. I keep a small Bible in my purse for church so I pulled it out and read. Psalm 13 is David asking God why He seems distant, why He hides His face. The questions David was pondering were the ones I was wondering about, also. In spite of the questions, though, David mentions God’s unfailing love. In one or two of the other Scriptures God has led me to lately, the exact words “unfailing love” were mentioned. It’s just a reminder for me that regardless of how I am emotionally or regardless of how I messed up spiritually, God’s love is constant always. It is there always. And when I don’t feel it, it is probably because I have taken myself away from it and instead began to search for it in something else.
Faith is often frustrating for me, but I’m finding that the more honest I am with God the more I learn and the more I feel His presence.
