Wasting What is Wasted

Loneliness is a wretched beast of a thing. Perhaps that sounds a bit extreme, but I don’t think so. I think it is perhaps one of the worst feelings in the world. It is one of the few feelings I can think of that makes every other feeling worse.

I feel it tonight. It’s the only emotion I have ever experienced that causes an actual ache in my chest.

I’ve been wrestling with so much self-doubt lately. I feel unworthy and unprepared to be a “good” Christian. I feel as if I am an obligation instead of a joy to my friends. I feel like I’m not good enough or pretty enough to ever be a wife. I know these feelings are not from God; I know these doubts of mine are lies. But they feel so true.

The loneliness that plagues me tonight is probably my own fault. I have friends. I have family. I have people who care about me and I know it. I am shown love every day. But when I feel the doubts that I mentioned above, I tend to draw away from people. I over-analyze my relationships. I find the tiny flaws and blow them up into bigger ones.

My heart just feels heavy tonight. I am now out of words.

Song of the Moment: “Ruins,” George is Jones

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