What I Want
I didn’t fall asleep last night (or this morning, really) until 2. And I had a 7:30 class. I was up late finishing Donald Miller’s Through Painted Deserts. It’s a book about a cross-country road trip he once took with his friend Paul. As I was nearing the end, I got this lump in my throat and suddenly felt sad. I wasn’t sure why, so I just kept reading. After a few more pages, I sat up with the book in hand and just started bawling. I’m really not that emotional, at least like that, so I was surprised by my feelings at first. I had just read about Miller’s friend Paul beginning to fall in love with this girl named Danielle and I realized the reason for my tears: I want someone to fall in love with me.
I want someone to be captivated by my presence. I want someone to think of me when I’m not in the room. I want to know that I am pursued, that I am loved and cherished. I want someone to send me daisies or sunflowers just because. I want someone to smile at me with that look in their eyes that lets me know I am special to them. I want to be romanced. I want doors opened, chairs pulled out. I want to be held by someone when my day has been really crappy. I want to meet my husband, darn it.
My heart was heavy last night because of this longing. I cried and prayed for a while. I felt comforted by prayer. I felt pursued by God then. I heard Him whisper my loveliness, my beauty. I want to get married; I’ve desired that all of my life. Lately, I’ve been doubting if it will ever really happen. I’ve wondered what the chances were of me meeting this man I’ve dreamed up, this man who is, to me, perfect. I began to believe that I was destined for singlehood; I was trying to make myself okay with that. But God has provided every other longing I have had. God has provided a path for my feet to walk. I have no reason to doubt that He will one day, when I am ready, place someone in my life that I can love, someone who can love me in return.
Whenever I start thinking about romantic relationships, I eventually drift into thoughts of God. Last night I was inspired by something I read. Miller was talking about these huge wonders of nature, like oceans, mountains, canyons, and why people are so drawn to them. He asserted that perhaps people are so caught up in these things because they stand as a reminder that life is not all about us. For a moment, we are not the lead character. These monuments of nature show us that there is something grander than our lives, our stories. They show a glimpse of the beauty we were all meant to be.
I realized he was correct. I thought about how I felt when I saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I was in awe. It was (and is) the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. I just stood there for God knows how long, barefoot, sinking into the sand with every crash of the waves. I marveled at how vast the water was. I was amazed at the way it made the air feel, so cool and damp. As I stood there on the shore, caught up by beauty, I realized how big the world is and how much bigger the God who created it must be.
Beauty is a concept that I feel is very spiritual, even though everyone at one time or another has made it vain and trivial. Every morning, myself and millions of other women stand in front of their bathroom mirror and put on make-up. We spritz on perfume, fix our hair, and paint our nails. We do this to make ourselves more beautiful. I began to think about the male side of things, specifically why men are so visual, why beautiful women are such a vice to them. I think that a man’s desire to be with a beautiful woman is maybe so that he feels more beautiful by association. Beauty is often a feminine term, but men long for it just as much, just in different ways.
As I thought about my desire to be romanced, about my desire to be beautiful, I realized it all goes back to God. Before the Fall, beauty was everywhere. Adam and Eve were perfect, splendid creatures. But as soon as their mouths bit into that apple, sin corrupted everything. But that doesn’t change the fact that once, a very long time ago, human beings were perfect. Adam and Eve were naked and felt no need to hide before they sinned, but as soon as they realized their error they covered themselves.
We all cover ourselves today, trying to make ourselves look better. We hide behind a thin waistline, a nice car, a successful career, or a large bank account. We wear certain clothes to impress and say certain things to feel as if we’re important. So much of life is simply an act and for what purpose? To make us feel as if we are worth something.
I long to be truly beautiful because I should have been. Men long for the beauty because that’s what they once had. But beauty is so fickle. Beauty is so often thought of as an outer thing. I would love to be thought of as physically beautiful by all who see me, but that shouldn’t matter. As cheesy and cliche as this sounds, I want people to be captivated by the beauty of my heart. I want to be known as a passionate, courageous, intelligent woman, not just a pretty one. Appearance only gets you so far.
I am learning a lesson in patience, in who God really is, and who I am in comparison. I believe that God has created someone who will indeed be captivated by me. I believe such a man is out there somewhere, longing for me as much as I long for him. I am learning that God is the only beauty that will ever last, the only true thing life has to offer. I am learning more and more that the things I so often cling to are worthless and lousy, meant only to entertain. I am learning that my struggle to be beautiful is because beauty is what I was made for, what we all were made for. We all just want to be someone, to be loved, to be thought of. We are loved, but how often do we really notice it?
Song of the Moment: “Teresa,” Peter Bradley Adams
Recent Revelations
So it’s been, what, thirteen years since I’ve written an entry here? I don’t know whether I just haven’t had much to say or if life has simply been busy. Perhaps my absence is a combination of both.
It feels as if a lot has happened since I was last here. Nothing physically, but internally and emotionally. I have discovered a good friend of mine is pregnant, that my relationship with another good friend is fickle and surface-level, and I have a pretty good idea of what college I want to eventually attend, a college which is not within fifteen minutes of my parents. (I was shocked, too.) Also, my attitude toward my church has changed immensely.
I looked at my church one day and realized I didn’t like what it was becoming. It seemed as if we were all becoming so two-faced. Then I realized this was, in part, my fault. I was so judgmental, so harsh. I have always believed myself to be such an optimist, such a loving person. But I’m not. I don’t love people very well. So I decided to work on that, to change my attitude and truly get to the point where I understand that church is not about me but about Him. I used to walk into Sunday school each week silently groaning about having to sit through another lesson that would teach me nothing. I was too smart, I had heard this stuff before. But since my spirit has changed, I’ve actually learned. Today some intelligent, challenging questions were asked. I have grown to really love and respect the teacher. All because of attitude.
I have also realized that a relationship I have with someone who often refers to me as her best friend is completely void and empty. I love her, but I feel as if I am only her friend when she has some spare time. I mean nothing in her life. I am not asked into her life. The not being asked hurts, even though I am trying to separate myself a bit from her. I am trying to not let it matter. But it does matter. It does sting. I almost cried before church started this morning because I found out, yet again, I was forgotten by her. Loving someone deeply as a friend and having them not return that love, especially after they’ve spoken it, hurts like mad. And I hate that it hurts. I hate that I give it meaning. But I am learning that when things hurt, I must simply grieve and let go. There is no point in holding on to things. There is no point in digging a hole for hurt because it will eventually find its way back to ground level.
I have not only realized these things in the past few days, but I have also began to feel like I really am growing up. Last year at this time I felt as if I were 12 having to making a few adult choices. It terrified me. Life terrified me. I was scared of leaving the safe and familar. But I was talking with a good friend, my best friend, a few weeks ago. I was telling her about my issues with the friend I am writing about and she told me that perhaps my realization is due to the fact that I am growing up and becoming aware that I do not need to be surrounded by friends, that I just need to know I have two or three great ones. And she is correct, I think. I am blessed. I know there are people who love me, who would die for me, people whom I love so much in return.
Love is something I have been pondering. Love is what Christians are supposed to be known for, but how many really are known for that instead of a reputation as a gossiper, a hypocrite, a fake? How often am I known as anything good or holy? So along with attitude I am trying to change my actions, to change my life. Being selfish and judgmental can only get you so far, especially when you think you’re good.
I have been thinking I was good for a long time, and because of that I have missed out on a lot of grace. Perhaps realizing who I am in Christ, what I am worth in Him, is also part of growing up. Suddenly the big, important things I cling to seem so small and meaningless. And I am tired of small and meaningless things. Life is big, and though parts are scary, I want to live it. I don’t want to sit out because of fear or broken relationships. Time is short, and I intend to run with it. Life is good.
Looking Foward
It has recently occurred to me that I truly am growing up and getting older. True, I am still very much a kid, but I am a kid on her way to the great land known as adulthood. (That was cheesy, huh?)
Come this summer, I’ll have three friends that are married, one with a baby girl, one who is expecting, most living on their own either with their respective spouse, away at school, or in their own apartment. Though this has been an ongoing process of growth, it has seemed to happen all at once.
I think the most shocking thing of all, besides all the wedding/pregnancy news, is that I have a college direction now. There’s a school I’m really interested in and it’s not in the city I currently live in. That means that I would leave my beloved mommy and daddy and move away. Shocking, huh? I thought so.
A couple of weeks ago, the idea of moving out and going five hours away wouldn’t have been plausible. But now, it sounds really appealing. I am just longing for a bit more room. Not really freedom, because I have that now. But room to grow and breathe and try out life. That’s something I’m not sure I’ve truly done yet: Really try something new and different where it’s just me trying to live.
I’m excited about these changes. We’ll see what happens…
(Sorry for the lack of actual thought in this entry. It’s been a long day…)
