Spare Change

For a few weeks, my struggle with loneliness seemed to vanish for a bit. I’m not sure why; there was no real reason for it to disappear. But tonight it has returned with full force and my chest aches.

I simply long for community. I long for a group of people who I know love me, who I know are dependable, loyal people. I have lost so much faith in friendship this past year or so. Friendships all seem so fickle, so momentary. Out of my large group of friends/acquaintances, I count only two that I feel I will have a relationship with for a long, long time. I know this is probably normal, but it’s difficult for me because those two people are about a thousand miles away. Here, I have friends but I know our relationships aren’t strong.

For one, I am simply Plan B. When she has nothing better, she will hang out with me. If something better comes along and we have existing plans, she will choose the other thing. I don’t think she realizes how much this hurts me, and I have never told her. Instead, I have simply learned not to expect anything from her. This has become its own new struggle.

Another friend I have here loves me muchly but she is getting married in 44 days. Our bonding time has almost ceased already and I know it will be mostly non-existent when she marries. I am sad about losing her, at least a part of her, even though we’ve had our struggles. She loves me and has always told me that. Even when I felt her love was too much, I always apreciated the knowledge it was there.

Tonight I attended my church’s college group Bible study. I enjoy all the people that attend. We laugh together and they seem to enjoy me. Yet as I was walking to my car, this wave of loneliness just washed over me. I knew I didn’t fit there, with them. I have struggled with this ever since I have attended. This is not their fault; honestly, I’m not sure why I feel so misplaced. But the feeling is there and it is strong and gritty, wearing me thin.

Tonight I am tired. I am tired of my mediocre friendships. I am tired of my mediocre self. I am tired of this city, of this day-to-day life. I am ready for something new. I am ready for change. I am ready for something other than this.

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